i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running