Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
nyc:
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
