Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview