I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.