According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.