I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices