The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.