I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it