the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.