Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!