Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I need this for my side hustle.
