Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.