Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
