I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
