Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind