“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them