You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The first one, obviously
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK