don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!