Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.