When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy