What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth