Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Jupiter
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!