Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet