I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
In case you needed to hear it:
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!