Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
10/10 no notes
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
roses are red
i fall when i skate
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
