my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Dumplings,
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other