My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw