I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
In case you needed to hear it:
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
🤣✨#caturday
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.