Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
SPLOOT
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
