The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
SPLOOT
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.