Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds