“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
so this horse walks into a bar
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet