every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[eats all your cotton candy]