They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.