Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts