Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes