Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”