“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Howl 😭
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
🧠
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
