(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
🧠
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
technique
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.