Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’