lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.