Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil