Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
motivation
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?