cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.