Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Okay me first
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Cinematography is my passion
Did my cat write this
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew