Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
making my dog give me my pills
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
murder on the timeline
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs