Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
technique
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
