You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
