When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other