I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[eulogy]
line?
I’d love this…lol
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire