8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.